1>THE REAL REASON THERE'S AN ANGEL ON THE TOP OF THE CHRISTMAS
TREE
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did
not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel
the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit.This
stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of
them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven
knows where. More stress.
The when He began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked
and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated Santa
went back inside the house for apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard,he discovered that the elves had
hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink . In his frustration, he
accidentally dropped the cider pot and it broke into hundred of pieces over the
kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found out that mice had eaten the
straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang and irritable Santa trudged to the
door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big
Christmas Tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully,"Merry Christmas,Santa.
Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me
to stick it ?"
AND SO BEGAN THE TRADITION OF THE LITTLE ANGEL ON TOP OF THE
CHRISTMAS TREE.
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2>This is from L K Advani's Autobiography "My country my
life"
Nawaz Sharif comes to Delhi for a meeting with Vajpayee. After
dinner, Vajpayee says to Sharif: "Well, Nawaz Sahab, I don't know what you
think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine are all bright and
brilliant."
"How do you know?" asks Sharif.
"Oh well, it's simple', says Vajpayee. "They all have
to take special tests before they can be a minister. Wait a second.... He calls
Advani over and says to him, "Tell me, Advaniji, who is the child of your
father and of your mother, who is not
your brother and is not your sister?"
"Ah, that's simple", says Advani, "It is
me!".
"Well done, Advaniji", says Vajpayee.
Sharif is very impressed.
He returns to Islamabad and wonders about the
intelligence of the members of his Cabinet. He calls in his Cabinet Secretary, recounts the dinner table
conversation that he had with the Indian Prime Minister, and asks him to test
the IQ of a particular minister.
The Cabinet Secretary calls in the minister and says: "The
Prime Minister has asked me to ask you to answer the following question: 'Who
is the child of your father and of your mother, who is not your brother and is
not your sister?'
The minister thinks and
thinks and doesn't know the answer. "I'll have to think about it
further. Please tell Prime Minister sahab that I'll let him know
tomorrow?" "Of Course", says the Cabinet Secretary, "You've
got twenty-four hours." The minister goes away, thinks as hard as he can,
calls in his chief secretaries and joint secretaries, but no one knows the
answer. Twenty hours later, the minister is very worried because he still had
no answer and only four hours were left.
Eventually, the minister says to himself: "I'll ask
Benazir. She's clever, she'll know the
answer." He calls Beanzir. "Mohtarma", he says, "tell me
who is the child of your father and of
your mother, who is not your brother and
is not your sister?"
"Very simple", says Benazir, "It's me!"
"Of course", exclaims the minister and rings up the
Cabinet Secretary.
"I've got the answer: it's Benazir Bhutto."
"No, minister sahab", says the Cabinet Secretary,
"I'll lose my job if you give this
wrong answer. The right answer is: Advani!"
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3>
On a roof top engineers, teachers and accountants are trapped due to flood.
On a roof top engineers, teachers and accountants are trapped due to flood.
Many days have passed they are starving and need help…
The teachers and the accountants despise the engineers!
After many more days the taunting continued but the engineers
did not repied to them at all!!!!
Several days have now passed!!
A helicopter comes to recuse them …..
All become happy
The helicopter sends a rope to pick them up…….
The engineers climb first then the accountants climb then the
teachers
The helicopter begins to fly but due to overload it stops in mid
air
The pilot says that we need to let go some of the passengers
Or all will die ……………..
Who will give the ultimate sacrifice…………
After a while the taunted engineers say that we are useless and
will lay down our lives for saving you all…………..
Please at least clap for us!!!
And both the accountants and teacher clap!!
And both of them die due to leaving their ropes
MORAL: Father is father.
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4>
An Engineer dies and is sent to hell.
An Engineer dies and is sent to hell.
He's hot and miserable,
so he decides to take action. The A/C has been
busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.
The moving walkway motor jammed, so he
un-jams it. People can get from place to
place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they
get hundreds of high def channels.
One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand
design is working out and notices that
everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella
drinks. He asks the Devil what's up?
The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent
us an engineer."
"What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you
one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs
immediately."
The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer.
We like him."
God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll
sue!"
The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a
lawyer?"
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5>A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."
Again, she politely declines
and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now
somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me
$5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that
since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the
blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment
unless she plays, she agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first
question: "What's the distance
from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into
her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the
blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs,
and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He
takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the
digital cellphone via infrared wireless connection to his modem port and
searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to
all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then
some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands
her $50. The blonde politely takes
the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a
little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the
answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the
lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep....
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6>
Tom was on the side of the road and noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by another long black hearse about 50 feet back. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind that were 200 men walking in single file.
Tom was on the side of the road and noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by another long black hearse about 50 feet back. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind that were 200 men walking in single file.
Tom couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the
man walking the dog and said "Sir, I know now is a bad time to disturb
you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my
wife."
Tom asked, "What happened to her?"
The man replied "My dog attacked her and she died."
Tom inquired further, "Well, who is in the second
hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help
my wife when the dog turned and attacked her and she died."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the
two men.
Tom asks, "Sir, could I borrow that dog?"
He replied, "Get in line!"
7>
One day a man decides that he wants to become a monk, so he goes to the local monastery and talks to the head monk the monk agrees to give him a tour of the monastery. During the tour they pass a corridor with a strange sound coming from the far end. The guy asks the monk what the sound is.
One day a man decides that he wants to become a monk, so he goes to the local monastery and talks to the head monk the monk agrees to give him a tour of the monastery. During the tour they pass a corridor with a strange sound coming from the far end. The guy asks the monk what the sound is.
"I'm afraid I can't tell you that because you're not a
monk", the monk replies.
So they continue their tour and after it's finished the guy
decides he will become a monk and is initiated into the monastery. After a few
weeks he walks past the corridor again and hears the sound. So he goes to the
head monk and says
"I'm a monk now, can you tell me what the sound is"
"I won't tell you what it is", says the monk,
"but you can go and see"
So the guy sets off down the corridor. After a while he comes to
a locked door so he goes to the monk and says
"There's a door, can I have the key?"
So the monk gives him the key and he sets off back down the
corridor. He gets to the door and unlocks it and continues down the corridor.
However he come to a second door, also locked, so he goes back to the monk and
gets the key to the second door. And he goes down the corridor but he's
forgotten the key to the first door, so he gets the key to the first door and
he opens the first door but he's forgotten the key to the second door. So he
gets the key to the second door and he opens the second door and he continues
down the corridor. However he soon comes to yet another door so he goes back to
the monk and gets the key to the third door.
And he goes down the corridor but he's forgotten the key to the
first door so he gets the key to the first door but he's forgotten the key to
the second door so he gets the key to the second door but he's forgotten the
key to the third door so he gets the key to third door and he opens the third
door and he continues down the corridor. However, he comes to a pool and he
realises he will have to swim underwater to get across. Not knowing how far it
is he goes back to the monk who gives him an aqualung.
And he goes back down the corridor but he's forgotten the key to
the first door so he gets the key to the first door and he opens the first door
but he's forgotten the key to the second door so he gets the key to the second
door and he opens the second door but he's forgotten the key to the third door
so he gets the key to the third door and he opens the third door but he's
forgotten the aqualung so he gets the aqualung and he swims across the pool and
when he surfaces on the other side he is faced with a fourth door. So he goes
back to the monk and gets the key to the fourth door.
And he goes down the corridor but he's forgotten the key to the
first door so he gets the key to the first door and he opens the first door but
he's forgotten the key to the second door so he gets the key to the second door
and he opens the second door but he's forgotten the key to third door so he
gets the key to the third door and he opens the third door but he's forgotten
the aqualung so he gets the aqualung and he swims across the pool but he's
forgotten the key to the fourth door so he gets the key to fourth door and he
opens the fourth door and he finds himself in a pitch black room. He can tell
this is where the noise is coming from but he can't see what it is so he goes
back to the monk and gets a torch.
And he goes down the corridor but he's forgotten the key to the
first door so he gets the key to the first door and he opens the first door but
he's forgotten the key to the second door so he gets the key to the second door
and he opens the second door but he's forgotten the key to the third door so he
gets the key to the third door and he opens the third door but he's forgotten
the aqualung so he gets the aqualung and he swims across the pool but he's
forgotten the key to the fourth door so he gets the key to the fourth door and
he opens the fourth door but he's forgotten the torch so he gets the torch and
he goes into the room and flicks on the torch. But he doesn't see anything
because the torch has no batteries. So he goes to the monk and he gets some
batteries.
And he goes down the corridor but he's forgotten the key to the
first door so he gets the key to the first door and he opens the first door but
he's forgotten the key to the second door so he gets the key to the second door
and he opens the second door but he's forgotten the key to the third door so he
gets the key to the third door and he opens the third door but he's forgotten
the aqualung so he gets the aqualung and he swims across the pool (having
crossed the pool so many times he decides he probably didn't actually need the
aqualung in the first place) but he's forgotten the key to the fourth door so
he gets the key to the fourth door and he opens the fourth door but he's
forgotten the torch so he gets the torch and he goes into the room and he
flicks on the torch and he sees ...
well, I can't tell you that because you're not a monk
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8>
The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle her to death'.
The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle her to death'.
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9>
Before Marriage:
Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait.
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: No don't even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will.
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: Never. Why are you even asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance I get.
Girl: Will you hit me?
Boy: Hell no. Are you crazy?
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling!
After Marriage: (Read from bottom to top)
10>
IDIOT TEST:
IDIOT TEST:
What's the color that starts with "W"...
WHITE
What's the color of a normal cloud...
WHITE
What's the color of salt...
WHITE
Here is a white puppy what color was it...
WHITE
What do cows drink?
MILK?
NOPE WATER!
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